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A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer

A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer were discussing creation and related issues which led to the subject of the oldest profession.

The doctor claimed that God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve; therefore, that early surgery means medicine is the oldest profession.

The engineer immediately claimed that engineering was an older profession because before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, which required engineers. To which the lawyer snorted, “And just who do you think created the chaos?”

It’s a shame…

It’s a shame that 98% of lawyers give the remaining 2% a bad name.

What is wrong with lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes.

What’s the definition of mixed emotions?

Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

United Way rep and the Lawyer

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer, the wealthiest man in town. So, a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?”

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh . . . No, I didn’t know that.”

“Secondly,” says the lawyer, “did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

“Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”

And then the lawyer said, “So . . . If I didn’t give any money to them; what makes you think I’d give any to you?”

“You seem to be in some distress”

“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?”

“Well, your Honor,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”

Embezzling millions

A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never go to jail with all that money.” In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. “It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.” The boss screamed, “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers—we had $100 when we broke in!

Two lawyers in a bank

Two lawyers are in a bank when suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall and proceeds to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on, lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two’s hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, “What is this?” To which the first lawyer replies, “It’s that $50 I owe you.

Lawyer on his deathbed

A lawyer, lying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it. As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and quickly began scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right. Curious, his wife asked, “What are you doing, honey?” “I’m looking for loopholes!” he shouted.

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Why are lawyers like computers?

They both have been responsible for enough paper output to kill a rain forest, and their proliferation has been phenomenal, but unlike computers, lawyers have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every four years.

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and announces “All lawyers are assholes.” A man in the corner of the bar objects, saying he is offended, and the first man asks if the second is a lawyer. The second said, “No, I’m an asshole.”

A lawyer awakes from surgery

As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think you had died.”